Songs that brought me back to Briteny Spears.

I was just rummaging through my stuff when I discovered the back of my notebook full of lyrics of songs I loved long time back. I sat up on my PC and searched for those songs again via lyrics because I’d forgotten about their titles even. And when I succeeded in downloading all of them and making their play list, I braced myself to play them all cause every song had a time, a meaning and a patch of my life enclosed with it. Silent crushes (you know, we used to have them a lot at 14 :p), Celebrations, BFFAAs, Friend breakups, Bus trips, Misery, and so many times I can’t even recall now, were those songs about.

So, my first ever English songs, that I actually learned the lyrics of was:

Leave Get out – Jojo. (Stop grinning at my choice. I was 14 then!) : P

He Wasn’t – Avril Lavigne.

Overprotected – Britney Spears (To add to that, I had her on my desktops, screen savers and where not, you name it: P)

Hips don’t lie – Shakira.

Story of a girl – 3 Doors Down.

Sk8er Boy – Avril Lavigne.

Wanna be – Spice Girls.

And when I got a bit mature, after watching first kiss from A Walk To Remember (believe me, it was not even close to a kiss, but anyways) the songs were;

I dare you to move – Switchfoot (Believe me, it IS evergreen. You’ll love it)

Learning to breath – Swtichfoot.

How to save a life – The Fray.

Chasing Cars – Snow Patrol.  (Okay, I am not mentioning here by I still had Britney on my desktop then)

And when I got more mature (As in the way, I actually loved when I witnessed guys can actually have crush on me (Yes before that I had some doubts but he don’t you dare underestimate my looks, I am thin, and..well that’s all to it) I started listening to *gasps* Enrique.

Songs like, you know:
Hero.
Maybe.
Be With You.
WISH I WAS YOUR LOVER (Cause this is one bloody song)
Roamer. 

And listening to all of them brought back a rush of those cool spontaneous childhood memories that I couldn't enclose in my diary. I made a playlist of all these old songs, and saved it up for long journeys. 

So now when I look at myself and my desktop full of Hugh Dancy's pictures (The weird habit of collecting Hot Star's photos never ditched me, and I am 19. Cool no?) I miss Britney Spears and hence i download her wall papers and put them up. And feel contended. And I think i need to check on how many guys had crush on me 'coz it sorta dawning upon me that the number is less than i thought. (This is what girls do in their spare time. Not me, P ssh) 

P.s: In case you want to see Britney for my desktop, i chose this one.

Oh you want her too now, don't you? (DON'T CALL ME LAME, I LIKE HER A LOT)

P.P.S: I know you must have googled or will google Hugh Dancy now so to save you the time, here's Hugh, for you. 

Nah Nah, wrong one. But i commend guy's sarcasm. 'You wanna take this outside'? :D He's funnaay.

So the real Hugh, is here:

Yes, he's British. And YES HE'S HOT. And if you want to know where you've seen  him, then let me enlighten you that he was starred in 'Confessions of a Shopaholic'. And he is NOT gay.

Off to making the who-the-hell-had-a-crush-on-me-anyways list. :p

Ma&Me take#1.

Me: Ma, Lets give Daal, makhan (Butter) ka tadka today?
Mama: Beta jitni auqat hai, waheen raho. *Takes out garlic and zeera*

And i am living a very money-ful healthy Pakistani life. Wow. :P

The feeling that i call: Papa.

So i am sitting on that highly uncomfortable chair in front of my surgical specialist, and he tells me the reason behind every tremor in my muscles and incessant fatigue in my arm which is, infact, one diabolical reason i.e. ANXIETY. I laugh. And look at my father to join me. But when i turn around, i see a change in atmosphere. He's not laughing, but tiny droplets of sweat across his gray hairs coming all together near his eyelids making a rivulet so immense, that i realize that he's gone worried. He gives me that look which, so easily comprehended, tells me that i have to stop making a fool of myself now. He starts conversing with my doctor deliriously. Asking for all sort of drugs and antibiotics and precautions that i should take. I don't get anything, cause anxiety is one thing always accompanying us all the time regard to relationships, academics, inferiority, enigma and money. Then why is he being so unnecessarily upset? He, though, continues asking question and inquiring from my doctor, the reason behind my illness and stress.

Doctor Sahab, What sort of diet should she have?
Do you suggest tonics?
Does she have to stop taking carbonated drinks?
Which pillow should i get her to give her arm the rest at maximum?
Talk continues. I am blurred. Talk ends.
Muggie, lets go.

And i follow him out. When i step into the hallway full of people waiting for their turn to see the doctor, under my already too emotional-cum-weird state, i start counting number of fathers waiting along with their boys and girls, watching me just like i am watching them. Fathers with kids on their laps, daughters sitting beside, hands on shoulders, caressing and waiting. Waiting all day just for their blood. Their children. Looking at them, i still do not not realize what i did, minutes later.

Leaving the most hated place called Hospital, i get into my car and still wondering what actually is making me think too much. Am i really stressed? No. Idiot. While Papa drives, i look at him and ask him if something is worrying him but he doesn't talk. I know what he is thinking. He's thinking:

Where can i get her Orange juices ke dabbe?
At 11 i will switch off internet so she can sleep.
Okay, her tablet is to be taken a 8. Sharp 8.
WHY THE HELL IS SHE STRESSED? Leave it.
Iss ke kamrey ka AC theek karwa deta hun.

Yes i know my dad. To break the much accumulated ice, i say "Papa, i need that elbow strip, it comforts the elbow alot". Without a second thought he stops at the first pharmacy that comes in the way. We go in and the elbow cap is there. At counter, while i ask him how much does the cap cost, he says 200. I am wonder struck, cause last time it was just 100. I don't think Papa would pay 200 for such a strip so i tell him to leave. But he stops at the counter, takes out his saadiyon purana wallet, pay him 200 and hands me over the elbow cap. I look at him, and i discover exactly what i was feeling minutes ago:

I AM BLESSED TO HAVE A FATHER LIKE HIM.

Guns N' Roses.

Listening to this song, i am feeling the worse. Though its lyrics are unbearably making me laugh but i just can't seem to. I don't know why. It should be a happy day for me, today.

I got my first prize for writing good. My first incentive to go on with my book, i am working on.

But. I feel worst.

'Coz today, i lost a very dear friend of mine. (Yeah, he's alive, though. Still) I don't know whatever the hell was the reason, or was there any reason at all. But i feel like shit. You know, when you lose people you are addicted to, people who's texts you wait for all day, you have sudden apprehensions. Fear of living the following days without talking to them, without sharing your going-on-shit-in-life with them, without fighting with them for no reason, without listening to them about their dismantled life with so interest cause you want to know everything about them, just cause they know you from deep inside.

Trust me. You will feel awful. Though i hope no one feels such way.

I want to talk, make a move and clear out all the air. But i think he's just gonna take it for granted, so i am just here sharing it with you, and though none of you is anyways listening, so i am more like talking to myself. So, better it is.


"whatever happened to sex drugs n' rock n' roll?
now we just have AIDS crack and techno"

Listen to this one. You'll love it.

A Goblet of Raspberry Juice?

Does it occur to you ever that you are pushed to go somewhere you don't want to go and your mother is like after you to take up your ass and get ready? And now that you are in the car, with all the nasty expressions pouring out of your eyes and imprinted on your cheek, you wonder that maybe its good to go out. You know, if not to meet those people, maybe just for a glass of raspberry juice?

Its good to go out. Sometimes. When you are frustrated, inside.

The fleeting Spark.

Disclaimer: The article (if considered at some point) is not meant to be too factual. Its just the spontaneous feeling poured in words.

I am not married. Not yet. Never have been in a relationship either. But all the redundant relations that i have come across up till this age, all the twenty three thousand people out which i befriended only twenty three hundred, i can with all the true wit and awe, say that the charm doesn't stay forever. Perhaps the same in marriage, where people are all in love at first, not taking hands off each other and perhaps there reach a moment where they can't figure out why they did it all in the first place?

I befriended so many people all my life. Played, laughed, spooked, loved and lived. But all i realized was that at the start of every relation, there are rainbows and butterflies, and giggles and playrooms, and fantasies and so much more. There is so much to talk about to your newly befriended friend. About your dreams, and ambitions, and what life you picture after 40 years and movies and music and so many things and probably don't make sense to anyone who is listening to your conversations right across another dinner table. The spark. The charm stays there for long. For as long as you don't feel like 'done talking'. For as long as you feel there is still much to talk about and 5 hours seems like a minute, not a day. Alas! It eventually all comes to an end. Or that's what i have been able to realize so far.

I don't know why i am taking this situation all friendly quite synonymous to marriage. But that is how it is. Like in marriage, long before it all stops to matter, there is love and there is fascination. And there is so much to talk about, to your partner in love. Just like a new friend, that you made cause it just clicked right there. And then its over. Soon after you are 'done talking'. Soon after the spark to talk your friend (Yeah now he's gone from new to an old friend, and you feel like making a new friend cause you are having too many complaints/troubles with your old friend) is over. So, i think we should be used to be this reality now. I have come to make myself used to not believing that the 'spark' stays forever. One day, at some point, this is all going to be over and you'll feel like making a new friend. Thinking that old friend was just a mistake. Just like marriage after 20 years.