Valves.

Sometimes, I wish there could've been a way to realize the worth of people when they are with us. Not, when they are done with us. Leaving us. Dying forever.

I wish there could've been enough courage in me to tell that they mean a world to me, that their absence would form a void in my life so strong & wide that i would feel pulled towards the vacuum within myself.

But times are long gone now. And all we are left with is regret. Always.

Moment of Life & Love. Not Death.

‘Should I go out too, Papa?”, I abruptly said while taking ear plugs out.

‘I think’, he said, looking back. 

I looked back through the back screen of my car and all I could see were mountains and height from where, if I fell, my soul would have echoed enough to let the whole world know about it that I died. This deep, the pith fall was.

I opened my car door and stepped out on a twisted steep road where I had to bury my sock fabric deep into asphalt to stand still. I looked at my car and dad, who was not at all worried to not know how to turn the car back now. 

Actually, we wanted to go for Pindi Point and we realized that a bit too late when we are almost descending after having a mini vacation at Lower Topa. Being told by a hilly native, we went for a very narrow and steep way up to Pindi Point. While dad is way good a driver, we didn’t mind the narrowness of the way, at all with our truck cum car. So ascending it again, as I was listening to Maroon 5, there came a moment when I felt something static. There was a very curvy turn which was way too steep and narrow too, but as dad turned the vehicle over from it, we stepped onto sand, on the edge. He pulled the breaks and we stopped right on the turn while our car in an upturn position. Me, and my brothers were pressed hard back on our seats cause we knew breaks couldn’t hold on for much longer, and if they wouldn’t, our car would slide back and break the barrier outlining the steep road, and our car would fall. 

Pa asked my brothers to step out and put stones behind the tires at the back, and there, I woke up from my Maroon 5 dreams and actually analyzed the situation. While I stepped out, I called onto Mama, 

“Mom, you need to step out too. It would lessen the weight’

‘No, I am not’

'Ma, come on yaar!'

Silence. 

I didn’t get why she was being stubborn and not coming out cause apparently it would have made the turning way too easy. She started horsing duas and Kalma while we all three, well me in my socks, kept telling about the margins behind and before the car to make the turning easy. Turning back to the lower road, cause yeah, we realized the road was too steep to climb with our car. 

‘Okay, step in now’, Papa said, finally.

And we three sat in and drove away to descend again. 

                                   Yeah, the people who just told me to live and left love, a choice for me.

I didn’t realize it why Mama didn't step out unless I sat down with hot head to ask her, why she was being stubborn. I don't know how it could be so easy to put your life in danger too, for someone you so are in love with, or apparently you are supposed to be. I say, I can put my life in danger for my parents and perhaps I will, but at situations like these, I realize that the love I have for them can NEVER be compared to what they have for each other. Perhaps, I will call my emotion, affection maybe. The event was small in kind, but made me realize, that it's not so hard, to fall in love with a stranger at last, you are married to.

Approaching Lights.

Did you ever try to have a look through back screen of your car at night, while waiting for the signal to turn green from red? You'll see clusters of lights approaching. Lights of different vehicles approaching you. If you shun your yes, you'll see them amalgamating into one luminous beam. While looking at those cluster of yellow sparks, you can never measure how far they are, and how long will they take to reach you. But as you blink once or twice, here they will be. Vehicles, stopping one by one beside yours one, like falling stars. And, there you will realize, time runs with inexplicable speed.  

The moment when all so spontaneously, you and your siblings start to sing the song along once it's playing from the favorite part of the chorus. Eventually you stop singing like the moment never happened. And the moment is gone. The moment when you are waiting to meet a friend all so anxiously for months, and there you meet her. And the next day, all you are left with is amazement how time can turn you so blind. The moment an awesome day can turn into pathetic one by a shot of a statement without even letting you have a chance to stop it.

I had been waiting for this Declamation Competition for so long. Perhaps that I didn't even realize that it was almost a month since I came to know about it and tomorrow is the final day and I am still without a speech. I sat on Word and tried typing but nothing came flowing in. Deleted. Typed again. And finally shut down the laptop before the frustrations hovered. I knew I would screw up tomorrow so I kept on changing sides to sleep but couldn't.

Mobile buzzed.

Text: "Would you want to participate with us in this Robotic Competition?"

Now THAT quietened me even more. Cause honestly, I am not that technical sort of engineer. I would rather spend my life studying than working. I didn't know what to go for. And with the help of two of my friends, I went for the latter one. Though I didn't know how long it would take me to consider the circuit designing, how the comparator works and how would I have to burn the program in that IC. Nights evaporated over our head and Days skimmed through, and we kept on working to make on Line-Tracker Robot that was supposed to follow this one white curved line in whole of an arena. With despair and a little but of chilly hope, we kept on working and one day I woke up and realized it was Today. Final day to strike the final move.
We went. We screwed up our circuit there. We recalibrated it. Rebuild it in an hour. Re did it all over again. And there we were, out of 30, we passed to quarter finals.
The feelings of being praised over a talent and praised over a skill are WAY DIFFERENT from each other. I didn't realize that the day was over, and Robot was all gone, and fun was all deep in some pith of memory chamber of my head, until I found myself typing about it, now.

I can see, that the moments most awaited vanish as fast as they can, to go un noticed, totally. Just like the approaching lights. I didn't realize when the signal turned green and all lights beside and behind me were gone. Didn't realize that we, the bunch of 8 brains, stopped signing the song in chorus of fun, while our Robot's speed reduced to lesser than a snail's. Fun times vanish so soon, right? i already miss the afternoon and the voices we made when our robot struggled to run.

The moment is long gone.
Like many moments, I yearn to re live again.
Many, many and many of them.
I wish I could measure how long it will take the lights to approach me, so that I could prepare myself to live the awaited moment to it's fullest. Perhaps I did. Maybe, I could have more.


And Yes, you can call me an engineer now.

Please look me in the eye and say "You don't care".

Have you ever gone through a seminar, lecture or sermon where the one who's raping the stage is one not speaking words of wisdom but concentrating more upon the 'kind' of words departing from his mouth? Let me give you an example.

You are sitting in a class of Maths and you are being taught Ratio and Proportion.
Normal teacher is supposed to say: So, ratio means quantity of one thing with respect to another. 
My teacher would say: So, the esteemed chapter of ratio which plays more than a hypothetically helpful role in history of Mathematics explains how two shells of different volume can float on water and how you, and I can compare our ages with each other. 

Now tell me, is that MY fault if I bang my head up on my table cause I just couldn't take it and slept instinctively? I sleep for two hours and still score the highest cause I am capable of self-studying, but what about those who just come and attend the class cause they don't get the Latin of the book? There are so many students in every institution who can't speak in English let alone understand it and then you use this flowery English in Ratio and Proportion and expect us not to flunk in it? The thing is, we've gone into the pith of inferiority complex. We want to live a life where we speak in impeccable English, where we wear Dolces and Gabana and where we can flaunt about how many English novels from English writers have we read.

Seriously.
People feel elevated if they tell, they read Dan Brown or J.K Rowling. But if somebody tells I read Umaira Ahmed, they just back off. I've been there, that's why I know.

Now I have this teacher who's more concerned about her English than the 'Instrumentation and Measurements" she's teaching us. So most of the times, my lectures are full of incomplete sentences like:

-Signal has noises otherwise..
-Humidity disturbs the rotating signal of?
-GOOGLE PLAY AND BACKLASH KOMAL!
-ZzzZzZz.
-Magnetic arrangements..
-Something about teeth.

God help me.

I am sick of sitting in the class just for bloody attendance. I am sick of people who are just there to flaunt about things so useless. I am sick of hypocrisy and I am sick of seeing my country people being a victims of inferiority complex. I am sick of people who listen to English Music just cause it's classy and not our own Coke Studio. I am sick of gazes of people with high necks when they see a girl coming from FSC and not A/O levels. I want you all to look me in the eye and howl YOU DON'T CARE!!

Teachers are supposed to be concerned with the understanding of the knowledge they are sharing with their students and not about their clothes or complexion or stammering or ENGLISH. I want to understand what's the different between that goddamn thermocouple and thermistor.

And oh, I guess I gotta share these two out of the world tracks with you that I am crazy about nowadays. Both are form Vampire Diaries if any of you watches it. It's AWESOME if compared with Twilight.

And another intense addiction which I can't get enough of nowadays.

P.s: My MRI results said that I can never sleep with a pillow for the rest of my life cause there's thign weak area in my neck by birth.
P.P.S: I still haven't got dengue, shuker Allah ka.
P.P.P.S: My birthday was a BLAST. Awesome wala BLAST.

DadnDaughter'z Convoz #1.

Me: Dad, why do people put so many dots in texts? 
Papa: Why you asking?
Me: I don't see the point, maybe that's why?
Papa: Oh. Well that is to show that we are thinking even while we are texting. 

Enlightening, no?

My Last Message: As a Teenager.

Did you regret when you realized you can no longer climb onto your dad’s lap just cause you are all adult now? Did you regret when you realized that it’s time you were expected to wash your dad’s car cause now you are 18 and it’s time you should take up to your responsibilities? Did you regret when you started getting taunts like ‘So, we’re soon going to hear the wedding bells, haawn? ;)’ from aunties just cause you are now 5’6 and all grown up? Did you regret when throwing water on the table during dinner became a sin and not a mistake cause you were adult? Did you indeed regret when you actually realized that it’s your last day of teenage and all the past days you didn’t care to worth each day just cause time is such a big double-cross?

I love where I am today. But a part of me just don’t want to let go of calling my self a teenager. There wasn’t anything special about it indeed but now, when I look at myself in the mirror, I don’t know if I ever want to leave my teenage ever. I just want to die and end it but not hit the big 20. I mean what the hell? Why can’t we realize the worth of something until we lose it? Like worth of a friend you lost but not when you had him? Like worth of a chocolate you ate but not when you were tearing the wrapper off? Like a rollercoaster ride which ends up in just matter of those awesome-st 3 minutes? :/ I want to live one more teenage year to do all those things I could do and amaze the world like Hannah Montana did at 16? I always used to envy her cause I was 17 and she was popular and I didn’t have one facebook ka fan page. Not even now I have it. But still. :p

To save you from wondering what bull I am talking about it, it’s my birthday in a while and I am just enjoying some last minutes of teenage doing the most memorable thing I can so that I can read it when I am 20 and wipe the flood of tears that rule my pupils. You won’t stop reading it right?

I had enough of fun in my life passed but I still wanted to change some of the parts. Like when my bus mates asked me to secretly hangout at some ‘Halwa Purri shop’ in the morning and skip college but I didn’t cause my lectures were important to me. -_-

Like not letting them skip me the academy I went to only for 1 week cause I finally found something I was looking for? Like not letting myself frustrate when I got 2^nd in my college finals but instead I should have been celebrating? Like started blogging before and not in July just cause I thought I would make a fool of myself and sound lame to other bloggers? Like not feeling inferior in English class when I still couldn’t speak in English even though I was 16 already? Like hitting Miss Nilofer and bulling her on her face when she embaarassed me in front of the whole class by saying ‘You know what Komal? You can never be good in and AT English. Mark my words. YOU ARE A FAILURE!’

I am not boring you right? There is so much I want to talk about tonight. Right now, with you all. Seriously. I don’t want you to comment or anything but just read it okay?

Yes, I wish I could change somethings back then and not waste my time pursuing high grades but instead enjoying my life a little bit MORE. How the hell I reached on the verge of 19 and still haven’t done anything that may imprint my name in the world even if I die tomorrow cause of some hot seductive dengue mosquitoes who can’t get enough of my blood cause as Edward Cullen says ‘Your blood is like a druuug to me’ to that stupid-stupid-stupid Kristen Stewart. (I think Dakota Fanning or even Emma Watson would’ve been a good choice for Isabella Swan cause Bella isn’t a bad character but Stewart made her look LAME)

I just got done with cleaning the whole kitchen cause Mama isn’t home and she would be mad if she comes and sees the kitchen still unclean cause the Rubeena bitch just ditched us in the morning, and hence I am, as the 20 years old already to my parents, is expected to take up the charge. I mean, doesn’t it suck being 20? It DOES.

I expected a lot of surprises this birthday even though I knew no one was gonna give me that. I hate seeing my other friends in Karachi getting surprises from all of their friends from night to noon and I still persuade everyone to surprise me cause I just LOVE surprises! I know it’s lame of me, or it sounds lame (just cause I am 20 now, right?) to insist everyone around to surprise me cause they don’t, all by themselves. :P I had some f the crazy birthdays back then, and indeed my friends had surprised me so many times with videos, slideshows, long notes, parcels across city, cards, pictures, and some silly dares on my birthday presents, I would be a total bitch if I would not be thankful to them for that, but the surprise I loved the MOST was from my parents on night when I turned 18 and they came up with a Remington ka straightner that I loved a few weeks back but since it was too expensive so I didn’t buy it. (Just like typical filmy scnes when girl likes the ring and can’t afford it and the next day, guy comes up with the same ring:p) But tonight, since the environment of home isn’t much like it is always (You know, post days of some parents-vs-children fight), I don’t expect it to be one of those awesome-st birthdays. Many of my friends including my best friend innocently asked me on my Facebook wall if it’d be okay if he doesn’t surprise me this time and I was like ‘It’s alright man’. A friend last night asked the same and I said it’d be okay cause you know what? It’d be okay. Not every birthday has to be a blassst. So what I wanted this one to be the most special one cause I am turning 20 on 20^th of September? I mean the 20-20 coincidence. I sound like a girl being turned down by a rhistay wala guy, no? :P 

I will always miss you teen age but at some part of my life, I know, I will learn to move on.

Okay. I am gonna stop talking cause I think, most of you would already have skipped half of the shit I said cause it’s just too long a note man, and everybody hates to read LONG-POSTS! I do too, but not always.

Ab wish karna hai tou achi tarha se wish karna, acha?! (If you feel like wishing me, wish me properly. And a bit differently, not the ‘I wish you get all dreams fulfilled, may you live long’ type crap. >.<

P.s: I love Twitter now cause I get to tweet with Aceytlcholine, Ifra Khaliq, Mahnoor Babar and Hamza bin Ladin/Hamid urf @Baqwaas all the time, I mean I you guys are just awesome.

P.P.S: I am starting Glee now. Chuck and Full Metal next on the list.

P.P.P.S: Happy Birthday to Memona ka chota bhai and Ather Javed. Ather, look at us. We made it to 3years of sibling-ship. Who expected a sarial like me would befriend you? :D God bless you.

Isn't she a BAWMB?

Life is being too sticky nowadays. I don't know if know it's me or does it really happen that once you're feeling distracted and frustrated, all posts on blogger seem to sound like that? Or perhaps you only come across such blogs which add to your depression.

They say I am good at frustrating people, and indeed I am. But here's my theory; What would you do if the one who frustrated you talk to you as if nothing has happened? Obviously you won't like to sound like ":D" but rather "-_-".

Well there's a lot going on and I am pissed off at my own self. Cause i tried to be judgmental and i blew it. I am a terrible judge, i would comment. There are things that matter and their are things to which we matter. I just went for the former one. Always. Which, by the way, sounds normal, actually kinda sucks.

Reasons are lame. For instance, I feel invisible now. Even I am sitting between them, I feel as if I am somewhere else. As if, the place I want to be is yet to be discovered and hence I am in the state of incessant limbo. I don't want to talk to anyone yet I want everyone to talk to me. I don't want to tell anyone what's going on in my head yet I want them to figure it all out themselves. I heard a friend saying today 'I am gonna stay away from her cause she might leave in January and then it'd be too difficult for me here to stay without her'. I get it when people try to stay away from you just cause they are addicted to you but that doesn't mean you start hurting them with your 'stay-away' strategies.

And then I have this fight over cake with my brother. Why? Cause he isn't letting me have the piece having one sticky cherry stuck on it. My parents fight with me cause they are concerned with eye bags hanging below by eyes and my cheek bones getting more bony. Am i depleting? I would love to die on my own birthday, did i tell you that ever? And I am now the Class Representative of my batch which I love to be, to be honest. But here comes another issue; Class wants to make a guy next to Class Representative, who is, if you ask me, a complete asshole. And the thing is, now it's like whole class is conspiring against me (along with some people who are supporting me but are too less in count.) But I can't let him be that, cause he's a complete crook guy who will get over my head if given power. Why am i telling you THIS now?

And you know WHAT? Some days back I applied for this sponsorship half halfheartedly so that I could be spared 15,000 in case I want to join International Youth Expo. I was supposed to write about my poor situations and reasons I couldn't afford paying full fee- so i lied. Lied at some parts, well. And two days after, I GOT THE SPONSORSHIP. I mean don't you just love such surprises? You all should come to IYE'11, wese. It'd be fun, given that we would be doing something for youth cause. And we all can be become from pen-friends to face-friends too then.

Animals are indeed a lovely creation of God. At times, when I am feeling all down with migraines and stuff, a glance of my Cat does wonders. I love her (Yeah, i don't like saying 'it') and she's the most beautiful face on this mother earth. Guess what? Once you get a female cat then you actually know how it feels to be a parent of a daughter. I don't like my cat going on and hanging around with Male stray cats who are way ugly by the way, and some of them even don't have tails. 0_- And I don't like when my cat calls all her boyfriends on my terrace at nights and sit with them for long. I mean, I don't want my cat to be in some bad company. That's all. Didn't i just sound like your mother? Indeed. And my cat is the hot-bomb of my street. Everyone is after her. In case you wanna have a look:

Yeah, she's smoke grey. Not white, cause whites are just too indifferent. Everyone likes a change. Everyone like to be with someone who's different. Like my cat. Didn't you just fall in love with her?

I am addicted to Invisible by Skylar Grey nowadays. Probably because it goes with my mood.

Our Pakistani Government announced 10 days official holidays for all the educational institutions primarily cause of the Dengue Fever epidemic. And I am hating myself cause i hate having my birthday in holidays, moreover 'dengue' holidays. 

I have stopped eating. Now that doesn't tell I am in love. I am in state of what.. maybe anxiety. I had my MRI scan today in case anyone of you know about it. But that's another story. In another post.

Stop staring at my cat now, you fool. I know she's a BAWMB.

We Had A Journey, That's All That Matters.

Disclaimer: Its actually a missive to my best friend. Read it if you want to, cause it just contains contents of our journey.

I still remember how you and I became best friends. It was a long journey, a year perhaps which with its ups and downs, made the destination even more worth achieving.

College, 2007. Every girl knew you in college, even my dearest ones too cause you had studied with them in school. They used to talk about you, brag about you, backbite you, tell me so many things about you that I had one image of you in my mind i.e. she’s a Bitch.

Exactly. That’s what I had. And then this guy happened, who at first was madly after you, and then happened to be after me, saying all these things nasty about you so that I could throw a yes to him and surrender to what an idiot he was not. But he was an idiot and thank goodness I rattled him off but the things he told me about you, I still believed. Telling me what a crook, wretched, and mind blowing double cross you were. I still believe and I kept on believing that until I met you in real at Anna’s.

Before that, when I saw you first was when we parked around your college to pick up some students and Witch came out jumping off our bus, shouting your name and there you appeared. Tiny, sleek, bony yet wonderful. I never had a slightest thought that this girl, who’s NOW on her way with flying colors to medical profession, she’s gonna be the friend I will get massively fond of.

And yet after two years I met you at Anna’s for the first time. It was amusing indeed, since we both had issues with each other though we hardly knew who were to have issues in the first place anyways. You were being all this taunting and sarcastic and so was I and that too for the mere reason that we had common guy after us and you had notions that he came after you first. HAHAH. GIRLS.

So, after that, the Facebook add which you did and then the mobile number trade, which I did, we paved a way to an everlasting friendship that we believe we’ll have till the last day of ours on this planet. When I finally went to Lahore, your one unexpected call changed almost everything I’d say. We started talking and talking frantically. Clearing those old decayed issues, the misconceptions, the guy who was a desperate, and what common ways he tried to have us, and about friends and everything.

Ramadan 2009. It was indeed the best month I had in my life for it contained you in high proportion. All long night chats and our unwillingness to stop talking contributed to what we are today. Does this happen that people become best of friends living poles apart and just have met for once in real? I hardly think so. But it was like in our stars to meet. I never thought I would actually find someone with whom I could be myself. And tell you what? It’s a huge blessing to find such wonderful person in your life with whom you can be just.. YOU. I could talk and I could talk about anything I want, and hence I trusted you enough to open my life in front of you, cause before that, I met a lot many friends, indeed they were best ones too, but I never found one I could actually share my life with.

And then you happened, and I am thankful to my God that we still are best friends. Though medical is a hard profession but so IS engineering, mind you, I am sure we’ll find a way, sometime this or the other, to make a deal with it. Even though at times, it feels like I have nothing to talk about with you, or that I have other people in my life with whom I can talk to, still you will be the first one to know anything that would happen in my life now and forever.

It’s you who can open up my diary anytime to read whatever the hell you want to from that, cause you know everything that’s written on almost every page of it. Read my in box, evaluate my secrets, I don’t care, because I know, you are my best friend. And best friends are supposed to be the best at knowing you too.

So here I am, wishing you in all words I can.

Happy Birthday, Deeds. You mean a world to me, now and forever. I wish your life be a landscape with all the beautiful things and all the beautiful people you wish for. I wish you a life where all there is to life is, you and your desires. I wish I could tell you what you mean to me. I wish all those people who care for you, come and tell you, for you are a precious thing who ornate their lives in best possible way. I wish you a long life, life free of worries, and full of cakes. I wish I could tell you that I am always here for you, even if you don’t want me to be there. I wish you, a faroooty better than this one. Perhaps, the best one, who deserves you. I know I have been a bitch for a past couple of days but then I had reasons to be so. Hope you understand, like every time. Don’t I sound much emo now? I guess.

It just kinda suited so here it is.

Call me whenever you feel like cause I am always here for you.
And you still are a bitch to me. :)

Love.
The other Bitch.