Running Into Oblivion

Sometimes, we need to push ourselves. The push could be just a little jerk or it could be so violent the we end up putting all our efforts to make us move, move. Move. Get going! Go, start running. What the hell are you still doing here? What more incentive you need to start running than to know that staying in this place is only going to bring you more darkness and eventually you'll end up getting sucked up into this little limbo that's called miracles. Cause believe me, the miracle start to happen once you decide you get hold of yourself. We are accustomed to wait for good things to happen to us. Why can't be it just other way round, huh? Why can't we happen to good things? Who the hell are they to decide when to happen to us and when not? Why can't i take hold of my happiness in my hand? Cause you know what? its hard. Its so fucking hard to get hold of that one thing that defines perfect life. Happiness. We all need it and we all forget it that it exists within us behind all those curtains that makes us imagine it to be invisible. We search for it everywhere. In people, in movies, in distractions, in hangouts beside oceans at middle of the night, in lover's eyes, in his words, in his silent indirect confession of feelings, in silence between two eyes, in cakes, in music, at cleaning our rooms, at washing our soul with religion, at so many things but we forget to look for it within ourselves. All we need to do is stand up in front of the mirror and look at the reflection. That's us, that's me. 22. Bold. Young and pretty. I might never be like this again. Never. These hands might start to wrinkle up and my temples starts to wither. Do i need to wait for that time to come to realize that i should have loved myself now? At this moment when i had everything and yet i was searching for it everywhere but myself?

I don't know what i wrote above. But this is what i wanted to write and i did.

It may Rain or Not

One day, I will be thirty five. Strolling around a grocery store like just another day, looking for appropriate pack of fat-free milk for me and him, and ofcourse full cream for my little ones. And perhaps, in all that mystery of staying young and look beautiful to at least myself, someone from the corner of the same section be staring at me. The stare that would be filled with surprise, longing, delight and a wholesome of regrets. Maybe they would not be regrets but the what-ifs. Or maybe the stare would contain the same electricity which we once had when we were young and shiny. Or.. maybe that stare would just simply be a stare filled with respect, reminding oneself that we did the right thing, that we chose the best of what options we had and that we made it through till that day. Quite easily. And probably the wrinkles cracking on my temples would remind of the time when I used to laugh the loudest at some of the stupid jokes we used to find so humorous in those day, or maybe it was just us who used to understand and squeeze the humor off them. The amount of concentration I would be giving to choosing the right milk pack for me would remind of how patient I was and perhaps, it stayed with me and got engraved in myself. The patience to make the right choice at the end, and which I did. The patience which made me go through lots of times but at then end, it all went alright. And my patience paid off well. And the satisfying feeling once I have chosen the right milk pack illuminating my face would take the time back to when things seemed uncertain to me, when everything seemed uncertain to us, when nothing was wrong and yet not right, and still the step forward into one direction seemed wrong but I forced myself to accept it as right. We did. And look what happened after all these years.

Maybe you would come closer to me, hold my hand and tell me that I am choosing the right milk for our children and for us. And maybe I'd look at you with all the uncertainty as if you know nothing and i do everything and go with it because years back you told me the same thing, and everything turned out to be alright and we ended up buying groceries together in life.

Or.. nothing of that would happen. And you'd silently just turn around and wrap that moment in your heart and make it yours forever. Thinking that maybe whatever happened was right and I would buy the right milk for my children and him. Thinking that maybe it happened for all the right reasons and we never were supposed to buy all that together.

But I know. I would know exactly what we had and what we did. And what was right and what was not. Its just the matter of me turning thirty five and i'd have answers to all those doubts you might have forever.