Sunday, 17 August 2014

Looking for clean Getaway

My heart is sinking. You know, I never know what they meant by sinking in chic flicks that i used to watch long time back but yes, its actually true. Your heart feels like its sinking and you can't breathe normally, because something takes over you, your mind and can make you have a near death experience without even dying. And how about if you start having them everyday? Every moment you think of that person who couldn't do things for you. Why couldn't he? You don't actually loathe that person but yourself. You loath yourself for wanting someone so much or perhaps wanting them to care for you that you crush yourself in that. You crush the fact that indeed you need your attention as well. You start giving that part of attention to someone else too and then people say they have lost themselves. I think we all are to be blamed for losing ourselves to someone. To people. Because they don't deserve it. Its not like I want to be with someone, its just that i want them to stop me when i leave them, to hold me tight when i am fighting to let go, to just not stop waiting on me even when i disappear. Sometimes, you want to be the one making the other wait cause its hard to be borne into the role of one who waits. I don't want to wait but I want to be waited for. I don't want to be controlled by someone else's emotions but I want to be in control of that for others. Its selfish, I know. But you know, you can be that selfish I guess when you have virtually died for two years straight in your life. I am happy, I am fluttering in opportunities, and I am at point of life where I am young and beautiful and I want to make the best of it, and perhaps I am doing that. But something, something inside always makes it all hollow. Not concrete. And I want to kill that hole, the space in my heart that I managed to create for someone. But how can we kill it when its the one killing us?

Sighs. I don't regret a word I said above.