Thursday, 26 February 2015

Storms in my Way

I have no idea how life has unrolled for me in last two months. I cannot understand it nor I have capability to explain it to anyone because I have a bad habit of posing it as something not big, however it is, and hence I feel like a thankless individual at the end which makes be feel worse. I love where my life is right now; I am talking to, or I CAN talk any time to man of my dreams. Man of my dreams. But like Amy said in Gone Girl, "this man of mine may kill me". I sometimes feel the same. The intimidation, the power that he has over me, the way he can wrap me up in his fist without giving me enough option to seep through his fingers. I love this time, I love this moment, like I said. But the future, it scares the crap out of me. Is this right? After such a long time of uncertainties, and hassles, and accidents and disastrous wounds on my skin which made me hopeless to the point that I started fantasizing about the idea of a happy life. Now that it is all happening with me, now that he is sending me gifts from across oceans without notifying me, calling me at midnight and telling me how much i mean to him, and even showing it too from all this dedication and actions. why am I still so fearful of him? Why does he scare the hell out of me? Or is the fear of losing him has taken over my thoughts and my life so much, that even his presence seems like absence, even when he says he loves me, I dont hear that but i worry about when he would stop saying it, when he calls me and tells me i am beautiful, which he has been saying for almost everyday we talked, I think about when he would stop getting attracted to me, when he compliments me, I think about when he will not and when he tells me he will take me to places with him that no one else have ever been to, I wonder would those places be hell or heaven for me?

I just dont want to regret. And I dont want him to regret either but i am so clouded with my thoughts I don't know which direction to go to. And i am not ready to pull him into this cloud of fears that is embracing me for a very long time. I have stayed in this dark, and i am going to stay here for a very long time but if i hold his hand, would he be pulled into the dark or would I be snapped back into light?