Sometimes, I wish there could've been a way to realize the worth of people when they are with us. Not, when they are done with us. Leaving us. Dying forever.
I wish there could've been enough courage in me to tell that they mean a world to me, that their absence would form a void in my life so strong & wide that i would feel pulled towards the vacuum within myself.
But times are long gone now. And all we are left with is regret. Always.
Sunday, 30 October 2011
Friday, 21 October 2011
‘Should I go out too, Papa?”, I abruptly said while taking ear plugs out.
‘I think’, he said, looking back.
I looked back through the back screen of my car and all I could see were mountains and height from where, if I fell, my soul would have echoed enough to let the whole world know about it that I died. This deep, the pith fall was.
I opened my car door and stepped out on a twisted steep road where I had to bury my sock fabric deep into asphalt to stand still. I looked at my car and dad, who was not at all worried to not know how to turn the car back now.
Actually, we wanted to go for Pindi Point and we realized that a bit too late when we are almost descending after having a mini vacation at Lower Topa. Being told by a hilly native, we went for a very narrow and steep way up to Pindi Point. While dad is way good a driver, we didn’t mind the narrowness of the way, at all with our truck cum car. So ascending it again, as I was listening to Maroon 5, there came a moment when I felt something static. There was a very curvy turn which was way too steep and narrow too, but as dad turned the vehicle over from it, we stepped onto sand, on the edge. He pulled the breaks and we stopped right on the turn while our car in an upturn position. Me, and my brothers were pressed hard back on our seats cause we knew breaks couldn’t hold on for much longer, and if they wouldn’t, our car would slide back and break the barrier outlining the steep road, and our car would fall.
Pa asked my brothers to step out and put stones behind the tires at the back, and there, I woke up from my Maroon 5 dreams and actually analyzed the situation. While I stepped out, I called onto Mama,
“Mom, you need to step out too. It would lessen the weight’
‘No, I am not’
'Ma, come on yaar!'
I didn’t get why she was being stubborn and not coming out cause apparently it would have made the turning way too easy. She started horsing duas and Kalma while we all three, well me in my socks, kept telling about the margins behind and before the car to make the turning easy. Turning back to the lower road, cause yeah, we realized the road was too steep to climb with our car.
‘Okay, step in now’, Papa said, finally.
And we three sat in and drove away to descend again.
Yeah, the people who just told me to live and left love, a choice for me.
I didn’t realize it why Mama didn't step out unless I sat down with hot head to ask her, why she was being stubborn. I don't know how it could be so easy to put your life in danger too, for someone you so are in love with, or apparently you are supposed to be. I say, I can put my life in danger for my parents and perhaps I will, but at situations like these, I realize that the love I have for them can NEVER be compared to what they have for each other. Perhaps, I will call my emotion, affection maybe. The event was small in kind, but made me realize, that it's not so hard, to fall in love with a stranger at last, you are married to.
Sunday, 9 October 2011
Did you ever try to have a look through back screen of your car at night, while waiting for the signal to turn green from red? You'll see clusters of lights approaching. Lights of different vehicles approaching you. If you shun your yes, you'll see them amalgamating into one luminous beam. While looking at those cluster of yellow sparks, you can never measure how far they are, and how long will they take to reach you. But as you blink once or twice, here they will be. Vehicles, stopping one by one beside yours one, like falling stars. And, there you will realize, time runs with inexplicable speed.
The moment when all so spontaneously, you and your siblings start to sing the song along once it's playing from the favorite part of the chorus. Eventually you stop singing like the moment never happened. And the moment is gone. The moment when you are waiting to meet a friend all so anxiously for months, and there you meet her. And the next day, all you are left with is amazement how time can turn you so blind. The moment an awesome day can turn into pathetic one by a shot of a statement without even letting you have a chance to stop it.
I had been waiting for this Declamation Competition for so long. Perhaps that I didn't even realize that it was almost a month since I came to know about it and tomorrow is the final day and I am still without a speech. I sat on Word and tried typing but nothing came flowing in. Deleted. Typed again. And finally shut down the laptop before the frustrations hovered. I knew I would screw up tomorrow so I kept on changing sides to sleep but couldn't.
Text: "Would you want to participate with us in this Robotic Competition?"
Now THAT quietened me even more. Cause honestly, I am not that technical sort of engineer. I would rather spend my life studying than working. I didn't know what to go for. And with the help of two of my friends, I went for the latter one. Though I didn't know how long it would take me to consider the circuit designing, how the comparator works and how would I have to burn the program in that IC. Nights evaporated over our head and Days skimmed through, and we kept on working to make on Line-Tracker Robot that was supposed to follow this one white curved line in whole of an arena. With despair and a little but of chilly hope, we kept on working and one day I woke up and realized it was Today. Final day to strike the final move.
We went. We screwed up our circuit there. We recalibrated it. Rebuild it in an hour. Re did it all over again. And there we were, out of 30, we passed to quarter finals.
The feelings of being praised over a talent and praised over a skill are WAY DIFFERENT from each other. I didn't realize that the day was over, and Robot was all gone, and fun was all deep in some pith of memory chamber of my head, until I found myself typing about it, now.
I can see, that the moments most awaited vanish as fast as they can, to go un noticed, totally. Just like the approaching lights. I didn't realize when the signal turned green and all lights beside and behind me were gone. Didn't realize that we, the bunch of 8 brains, stopped signing the song in chorus of fun, while our Robot's speed reduced to lesser than a snail's. Fun times vanish so soon, right? i already miss the afternoon and the voices we made when our robot struggled to run.
The moment is long gone.
Like many moments, I yearn to re live again.
Many, many and many of them.
I wish I could measure how long it will take the lights to approach me, so that I could prepare myself to live the awaited moment to it's fullest. Perhaps I did. Maybe, I could have more.
And Yes, you can call me an engineer now.
Sunday, 2 October 2011
Have you ever gone through a seminar, lecture or sermon where the one who's raping the stage is one not speaking words of wisdom but concentrating more upon the 'kind' of words departing from his mouth? Let me give you an example.
You are sitting in a class of Maths and you are being taught Ratio and Proportion.
Normal teacher is supposed to say: So, ratio means quantity of one thing with respect to another.
My teacher would say: So, the esteemed chapter of ratio which plays more than a hypothetically helpful role in history of Mathematics explains how two shells of different volume can float on water and how you, and I can compare our ages with each other.
Now tell me, is that MY fault if I bang my head up on my table cause I just couldn't take it and slept instinctively? I sleep for two hours and still score the highest cause I am capable of self-studying, but what about those who just come and attend the class cause they don't get the Latin of the book? There are so many students in every institution who can't speak in English let alone understand it and then you use this flowery English in Ratio and Proportion and expect us not to flunk in it? The thing is, we've gone into the pith of inferiority complex. We want to live a life where we speak in impeccable English, where we wear Dolces and Gabana and where we can flaunt about how many English novels from English writers have we read.
People feel elevated if they tell, they read Dan Brown or J.K Rowling. But if somebody tells I read Umaira Ahmed, they just back off. I've been there, that's why I know.
Now I have this teacher who's more concerned about her English than the 'Instrumentation and Measurements" she's teaching us. So most of the times, my lectures are full of incomplete sentences like:
-Signal has noises otherwise..
-Humidity disturbs the rotating signal of?
-GOOGLE PLAY AND BACKLASH KOMAL!
-Something about teeth.
God help me.
I am sick of sitting in the class just for bloody attendance. I am sick of people who are just there to flaunt about things so useless. I am sick of hypocrisy and I am sick of seeing my country people being a victims of inferiority complex. I am sick of people who listen to English Music just cause it's classy and not our own Coke Studio. I am sick of gazes of people with high necks when they see a girl coming from FSC and not A/O levels. I want you all to look me in the eye and howl YOU DON'T CARE!!
Teachers are supposed to be concerned with the understanding of the knowledge they are sharing with their students and not about their clothes or complexion or stammering or ENGLISH. I want to understand what's the different between that goddamn thermocouple and thermistor.
And oh, I guess I gotta share these two out of the world tracks with you that I am crazy about nowadays. Both are form Vampire Diaries if any of you watches it. It's AWESOME if compared with Twilight.
And another intense addiction which I can't get enough of nowadays.
P.s: My MRI results said that I can never sleep with a pillow for the rest of my life cause there's thign weak area in my neck by birth.
P.P.S: I still haven't got dengue, shuker Allah ka.
P.P.P.S: My birthday was a BLAST. Awesome wala BLAST.