Fears and Fearing

Have you ever had a chance to play with.. say fire? Literally play with it, I mean. When you definitely know it is going to burn you to ashes and yet you cannot help but keep playing with it because the feeling of adrenaline rushing through your veins, the vulnerability, the insecurity, the nakedness in face of willingness, the power of being one to decide whether to hold on or let go.. it gives you is mesmerizing. I have been playing with fire, for a long time now. I know it will burn me, it will ruin me and it will exploit my soul for the rest of my life, yet why can't I just step back? It IS in my control no matter what I say, yet it seems so uncontrollable. Because the relief, the pleasure I get after having played with my own fears is just wonderful. It makes me feel brave at the same time, weak. Weakest of all. Does it make me brave to play with fire or weak to not being able to hold myself back?

Sometimes, we judge ourselves to be strong, we believe we will be strong given certain circumstances. But unless we've lived them literally, we can never offer perfect judgments, not even about our own selves. I know what I am but i do not know what I will be next moment. I know I feel it but I don't know if i should feel it or not. I want to keep holding onto this fire called us, but I want to run away from it as well because no so long from now, this fire may set my life ablaze. And the smoke emitted from that disaster may absorb into the pores of my skin so darkly that they may become a tattoo on my skin, absorbed yet visible, accompanying me everywhere I go. Everyone I meet. 

If music could be the food of love, play it.

I cleaned sweat off my forehead when I suddenly work up in a jerk, as if I had fallen into a dark hole. All i could see around was darkness which is ironic because you don't see anything in darkness but yourself. Or maybe i was seeing myself, in dark. I checked on my cell placed beside me to check on my messages and time and it was tip of the night; 3.00 am. And there were no messages, when i wished there was one.

I dreamed of exactly the thing I am fearing nowadays, exactly the way i fear it, happening to me and making me growl in anxiety. The same happened to me few months back when I was feeling something wrong was happening around me cause i could dream about it but why there was nothing wrong when I asked everyone? And then just a few weeks back, I came to know that there was, in fact, something excruciatingly wrong going on months back and everyone was just keeping it off from me to let me stay away from stress. Boy, what were they thinking? But the good news was that things got back alright by the time i knew about the trouble, so it didn't trouble me anymore.

But now. Its coming back again, and this time I cannot question my instinct, can I? Cause last time it was right, just no one was telling me about it, that's all. So now, even if everything seem perfectly in order, I see everything with the eye full of doubts and uncertainties. Deep down, i have this feeling of contentment as well, that things will turn out okay. Just opposite to what I dreamed, like last time, right? Or not? Answer me! Someone. Just answer me. Because sometimes, you are holding onto that small shred of hope which doesn't from within you if it doesn't coming from around you.

I am hungry right now. So, would leave to eat something.

But i hope, things are okay. I hope.. I don't lose things I still have not been able to imagine my life without.

The title has nothing to do with this post but a friend introduced me to this beautiful excerpt from Shakespeare and I can't take my mind off it.