Thursday, 11 September 2014

Fears and Fearing

Have you ever had a chance to play with.. say fire? Literally play with it, I mean. When you definitely know it is going to burn you to ashes and yet you cannot help but keep playing with it because the feeling of adrenaline rushing through your veins, the vulnerability, the insecurity, the nakedness in face of willingness, the power of being one to decide whether to hold on or let go.. it gives you is mesmerizing. I have been playing with fire, for a long time now. I know it will burn me, it will ruin me and it will exploit my soul for the rest of my life, yet why can't I just step back? It IS in my control no matter what I say, yet it seems so uncontrollable. Because the relief, the pleasure I get after having played with my own fears is just wonderful. It makes me feel brave at the same time, weak. Weakest of all. Does it make me brave to play with fire or weak to not being able to hold myself back?

Sometimes, we judge ourselves to be strong, we believe we will be strong given certain circumstances. But unless we've lived them literally, we can never offer perfect judgments, not even about our own selves. I know what I am but i do not know what I will be next moment. I know I feel it but I don't know if i should feel it or not. I want to keep holding onto this fire called us, but I want to run away from it as well because no so long from now, this fire may set my life ablaze. And the smoke emitted from that disaster may absorb into the pores of my skin so darkly that they may become a tattoo on my skin, absorbed yet visible, accompanying me everywhere I go. Everyone I meet. 

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